The Most Unique Pick-Up Line

Martian

Walking to work one morning a pickup truck slowed down as it passed me and quickly pulled over to park. The driver jumps out and runs across the street towards me yelling "Miss! Miss!' and cuts in front of me, blocking my way. Completely out of breath he blurts out, "You won't believe this but aliens visited me last night and told me that they would take me to their ship for testing tonight unless I get the most beautiful girl in the world to go out with me and you are by far the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Would you go out with me?"

Fortunately for the aliens, I was married at the time.

Systems of Government

Somehow I manage to find and lose this one repeatedly so I’m sticking it here for safe keeping…

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You help to take care of them, and you all share the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who will get the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull

TOTALITARIANISM: You have  two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Random Observations

Not mine, well not entirely, but things I often ponder…

• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately wipe your hard drive if you die.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you are in fact completely wrong.
• There is wide array of human emotions that do not have an equivalent smiley.
• I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired. This leads me to…
• I totally want to take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• The worst decisions often make the best stories.
• You may never know when it will strike, but there is always a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I  want to save any changes to that twenty page report that I swear I did  not make any changes to.
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.
• I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
• Even under ideal conditions  people have trouble locating their car keys, finding their phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can  find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds,  eyes closed, first time, every time!

Why Do I Walk for Babies?

I’ve been asked a few times the last couple of weeks why I support the March of Dimes. It seems like a silly question to me. I mean, who doesn’t want babies to be born healthy? You don’t have to be a parent or even want to be a parent to sympathize with an ailing child or the parent of one but that is not the only reason why I get up at 6am on a Saturday to walk 5k in Phoenix every April.

The Stats Suck, Seriously

The US is 46^th on the CIA World Factbook’s Infant Mortality rate – 46^th! The United Nations ranks us at 33.

12.9% of all births are premature, resulting in over 8,000 deaths every single year.

120,000 babies are born each year with birth defects. Birth defects are the leading cause of death in a child’s first year and 70% of the causes for these defects are currently unknown.

You have a greater chance of having a child with a birth defect than you do of winning any lottery prize.

I Was Lucky & I’m Grateful

About 7 months into my pregnancy I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. Now, I’m not your average patient: I started college in a premed program, my father, mother and step mother are medical practitioners, my stepfather is an ob/gyn, but yet none of that helped me avoid a life threatening condition. I managed to make it to 36 weeks through more than a  month of bedrest, my kidneys shutting down and a series of strokes BUT I gave birth to a perfectly healthy 6lb 5oz boy. I am awed by that stroke of luck every single day.

I Have Family & Friends Who Were Not

It’s amazing to me what medicine can do to help a baby born prematurely or with a birth defect. I’ve visited the neonatal wards in three different hospitals, held babies light as feathers and no bigger than the span of my hands and cared for children who’ve had more surgeries in the first six months of life than I’ll ever have. I’ve tried to support those I love the most through long nights hoping and praying for miracles.

And I have been there to provide comfort when women I care for had to bury their child. There isn’t anything more heartbreaking then that. Period.

How Can You Help?

You can help sponsor my team here or me directly here.

The March of Dimes needs volunteers to help with the event. Call Robin Zenno at 602-287-9923.

Come out and cheer us on! Or keep an eye on Twitter, I’ll be posting throughout the walk and the celebration after.

What I do all day….

I’ve been keeping a journal of what I do during my work day the last two weeks, trying to determine what I enjoy most about my job and figure out what I want to do next.

This past week has been insane; keep in mind that I manage software development – that is my actual title. See if you can spot where I did that….

 

Monday

DW Build failed – Spent the entire day rerunning process, validating numbers, caching data and running reports. All manual.

Updated 12 project plans

Created 4 new project plans

Tested 2 new software tools

Pulled statistics for three revenue projection models

 

Tuesday

Two hours of making nice meetings

Resolved Sharepoint connectivity issues

Designed a web site for initiative launch

Redesigned a process to eliminate duplication of effort – created LOADS of Visio diagrams

Team building extravaganza over coffee

 

Wednesday

Installed and configured 2 SQL08 instances

Rescoped conversion project for two data warehouses

Researched Fastflip and presented overview to executives

Reviewed SEO outsourcing project details and made recommendations

Validated projection models for discounts and rate changes

Team building extravaganza part deux over coffee

 

Thursday

Created interview quiz for data analysis position (not mine)

Facilitated process redesign discussion to final agreement

Reviewed current hardware inventory for department and defined optimal requirements by job description

Nine hours of meetings

Passive Aggressive Men – Signs/Symptoms

Disclaimer: While I’ve personally dated this one once or twice in the past, I don’t believe that anyone is immune to some PA traits especially under duress. That may even be ok, if you’re aware of it. This list does give some indication as to the motivations behind these potentially negative habits so it’s worth checking yourself against.

Fear of Dependency: He is unsure about his autonomy and afraid of being alone. This causes him to fight against his dependency needs; usually by trying to control you.

Fear of Intimacy: He is guarded, mistrustful and reluctant to show his emotional fragility. Often out of touch with his own feelings and will reflexively deny any feeling that he thinks will trap, reveal or place him in a vulnerable position. He will pick fights to create distance.

Fear of Competition: He feels inadequate and unable to compete with other men. He may operate as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure or he will be a tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect  to eliminate any threat to his power.

Obstructionism: Just tell a Passive/Aggressive man what you want and, if you’re lucky, and he may agree to do it for you but don’t say when – he’ll do it deliberately slow just to frustrate you. More likely he will not even comply at all; he’ll stall or rationalize to block any real progress if he sees the request as you getting your way.

Fostering Chaos: Just when you think things are operating smoothly and you have a handle on the relationship he’ll upend something. A Passive/Aggressive man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete.

Feeling Victimized: The Passive/Aggressive man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reproach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless and innocent victim of the world’s excessive demands and tirades.

Making Excuses and Lying: The Passive/Aggressive man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love, to have power over you, the Passive/Aggressive man may chose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.

Procrastination: The Passive/Aggressive man has an odd sense of time; he truly believes that deadlines don’t exist for him.

Chronic Lateness and Forgetfulness: One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all Passive/Aggressive traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. His selective forgetting? That’s reserved for when he really wants to avoid an obligation or any sense that you control him.

Ambiguity: This man is the MASTER of mixed messages and fence sitting. When you ask a question you will never get a direct response. Even when you think you got an answer you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.  

 Sulking: Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the Passive/Aggressive man retreats from any pressures by sulking, pouting and/or withdrawing.  

Chef, vegan hot pot & bubble tea, please!

Sichuan Hot Pot

Really, I'm just to lazy to do all that work myself

What I have to work with…

Back Story

Ed had a project that wasn’t going well; the customer started to panic and asked me to step in. Ed doesn’t work for me, in fact he’s in an entirely different department but we do work together pretty often and normally have a good relationship. With that in mind I tried to keep him aware of what I was doing to get this project done on time and I copied him on the final result. His response to the result was to criticize my methods and question the validity of the data. Buried in the critique was a very nicely worded pat on the back directed at me BUT it was buried. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me because it’s common and frankly he didn’t deliver…I did. What did bother me was that he chose to copy a bunch of executives on the email and I called him on it stating that I didn’t appreciate the derision.

9ish via IM

Ed: When you get a chance can we talk about this?

Me: Ed, I understand that you’ve been and probably are still under a lot of stress but you’ve done and said some things that were not cool the last 24hrs. You just need to give me some time.

11ish via IM

Ed: Can I take you out to lunch?

Me: No, I’m really too busy today.

Ed: Can I take you out for coffee later? Just 10 minutes, we really need to talk.

Me: Not today.

Ed: We should really sort this out.

 Me: Not today Ed, really.

1ish in person

Ed: Coffee?

Me: Not now, I’m afraid I’d push you into moving traffic.

(I was smiling when I said it – really!)

2ish via IM

Ed: I’m just trying to understand what I did or said. I can’t correct it if I don’t know.

Me: I understand that and will be willing to talk that over, later. Not today.

Ed: I don’t like it when you’re upset with me; I’m just trying to understand.

3ish via IM

(Ed finds a small data issue and asks me what happened. It’s not uncommon for some of the smaller updates to have a successful run status when in fact they did not complete. It’s a bug err feature.)

Ed: What went wrong?

Me: I don’t know, everything ran normally – no errors.

Ed: That’s comforting…

Me: Are you trying to piss me off?

(Oh yeah I’m cranky)

Ed: Are you seriously going to leave it at you don’t know?

(DEEP BREATH)

Me: As I said all of the jobs ran normally, no errors. 

Ed: That’s really not acceptable.

(Incoming…)

Me: You can choose to deflect your own recent failures by amplifying a small system issue. If that is what you want to do go right ahead. I’d be more than happy to have someone look into the issue when we have time.

Ed: What do you mean my failures?

(D’Oh…did I say that?!)

Me: The update is complete, please check the data and let me know if you need anything else.

Ed: Its fine.

4ish via IM

Ed: I’m really hurt that you would say something like that to me: “You can choose to deflect your own recent failures”. You’re someone that I respect. That really hurts me that you think of me like that. We really need to talk this through.

(DEEPER BREATH)

Me: I’m very sorry that I hurt your feelings. I am frustrated by your words and actions the last 24 hours but I should not have taken that out on you in that way. I hope that you will give some time to catch up at work and also put this into perspective so that we can have a constructive talk.

(I get a call from my boss. “Why does Ed want to talk to me?”)

5ish via IM

Me: Is that ok?

Ed: Yep…I’m OK…I just want you to be.

Me: I mean with talking next week. I’m not trying to sweep this under the rug.

Ed: Yes…that’s OK. I apologized to your boss and he shared a different perspective than what I got from my higher ups. It was helpful.

(You apologized to MY boss?! MF’r!!)

Me: Ok then let’s plan on going to lunch next week somewhere fun.

Ed: Cool… I sincerely appreciate you and no game playing is intended. I understand how the message came across. Realize too I didn’t get the project until it had already been mishandled by another group.

Me: We’re all really stressed

Ed: Hang in there… I appreciate you and what you did. I couldn’t have done it.

Me: Thanks for saying that. Gnight.

6ish via email

I just wanted to let you know…

(Insert 645 words of poorly constructed justification here.)

…I told everyone that it was very complex data and that if anyone were capable of joining them reliably, it would be you. Either way Oden, I understand trust is a tricky thing between us.  I hope that you and I can always trust each other and speak frankly to each other. While I don’t always get you, I still always dig you!

 The next day…

8ish via IM

Ed: Good morning! I appreciate everything you do!

(Frightened)

Me: Thanks, Ed. Good morning to you too.

Ed: I hope you have a great day!

(I hope you seek counseling)

Ed: I’m really looking forward to lunch next week. Talk to you later.

Note: Lunch is next Wednesday….W00t!!

WORDS WOMEN (Mis) USE

This is full of gross exagerations and broad stereotypes but I’m procrastinating on another post so enjoy this one…

FINE!
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm; this means ‘Something’ and you should be on your toes.   Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in ‘Fine’.

GO AHEAD
This is a DARE, not permission.  Don’t do it!

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.   A ‘Loud Sigh’ means she thinks you are an idiot  and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over  ‘Nothing’.

THAT’S  OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to  a  man.   ‘That’s Okay’ means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you.  Do not question it or faint.  Just say you’re welcome.

PHB June

The latest motivational interaction with my self-described ‘people person’ executive…

For the last six months or so I have left the office at 3pm on Tuesdays in order to handle afamily responsibility. Given that I normally put in well over 60 hours a week and am on call 24/7 50 weeks a year, my boss hasn’t had any issue with this. Not that big of a deal.

So, this past Tuesday, my boss is out of the office leaving me in direct range of said executive:

Phone rings…sigh…

Me: “Hello”

Him: “How are you?”

(The feeling of dread slowly growing.)

Me: “I’m well, thank you and you?”

(I’m hoping it’s a simple request and thinking that I could have said that I was being tortured by a giant slow loris with glowing fuschia eyes because I can hear him shuffling papers – he isn’t listening.)

Him: “Mmhmm. Our meeting today at 4, do we need to go over anything prior?”

(Dread meter PEGGED)

Me: “I’m sorry, which meeting is this? I’m not in the office after 3 today.”

< Click >

Yes, the ‘people person’ hung up on me. I wish I could say I was stunned. I go back to whatever I was working on.

Phone rings…heavier sigh…

Me: “Hello”

Him: “Is there anything I need to know?”

(Hmmm “My soul dies a little every time we speak?” Perhaps not. Crap! I still don’t know what this meeting is about.)

Me: “Everything is proceeding as planned.”

(Wha?! I’m pretty sure it is!)

Him: “We’re on target?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

< Click >

Yes, the ‘people person’ hung up on me twice in the span of 10 minutes.

Ok so I can look at the conversation now and see where I went wrong. I could have addressed his question “do we need to go over anything prior” and thereby softening the impact of my absence by addressing any fears he might have at not being prepared or able to manage it himself. When he called back I could have apologized again, offered to stay late or to provide him with a copy of one of the six status reports I give him every month (Don’t get me started on that) or I could have drawn up an overview of whatever it was that he was calling about.

Yup, I sure could have.